If Home Alone was real, the Wet Bandits may have been severely injured (Picture: Rex)
There’s no denying that Home Alone is a Christmas staple, with Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) outsmarting evil burglars Harry and Marv (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern) to perfection – and exacting some child-style justice -making it a true highlight of the TV schedule.
But on approximately our 286916th rewatch, we couldn’t help but feel slightly sorry for those Wet Bandits as they were brutally attacked through Kevin’s house of horrors, dodging paint cans, being set on fire and pelted in the face with an iron.
Let’s be honest for a second, they should have been carted off in an ambulance instead of a police car when the end credits rolled.
Under the law in Illinois, where the movie was set, it is acceptable to use ‘regular force’ to defend yourself against ‘some type of attack or entry into a property’ – deadly force is only appropriate if you are attempting to prevent serious injury or death.
Metro.co.uk decided to get some expert opinions on how permanently injured the duo were and, by the sounds of it, Kevin should have joined them in the back seat of that police car.
‘The Home Alone films are truly iconic, and every year countless people tune in to watch them at Christmas,’ Giulia Guerrini, lead pharmacist for www.medino.com, told us. ‘We all love the infamous battles between Kevin, Marv and Harry, but how they manage to leave each challenge conscious is nothing short of a miracle!
A BB gun to the head sounds insanely painful (Picture: Rex)
‘When we look at some of the injuries sustained by the pair, it’s hard to believe they even managed to survive…’
One of the set ups that seems to get the most laughs is when Marv spots Buzz’s (Devin Ratray) escaped tarantula climbing across Harry’s stomach and instinctively reaches for his crowbar, as you do.
‘Obviously, the best way to get rid of said spider is to hit it with a crowbar…,’ Giulia said. ‘But instead of hitting the spider, Marv’s immaculate aim means he lands a hard blow on Harry, which would likely lead to a couple of broken ribs and some internal bleeding.
‘Additionally, if Harry’s ribs were badly broken, they could even then have punctured a lung!’
Not quite the festive cheer director Chris Columbus had in mind, but Mr Ali Noorani, Consultant Orthopaedic and Trauma Surgeon, couldn’t help but agree.
Would Kevin have been in serious trouble? We think so… (Picture: Rex)
He said: ‘I would like to see chest scans where Marv hits Harry with a crowbar across the chest in the scene with the spider. We would be very concerned about potential broken ribs with this severe blunt force trauma.’
That’s not the only time that the Medical Director and Chairman for Orthopaedic Specialists was concerned for the pair – as he also voiced the issues he had with the wince-inducing scene where Marv put his foot through a nail.
‘This would lead to bleeding, but also possible tendon and soft tissue damage,’ Ali insisted. ‘I would be concerned about osteomyelitis which is infection of the bone and if left untreated can be extremely serious.
‘I would also be worried about tetanus which can be fatal if left untreated.’
Poor Marv really suffered in that basement, as he also got smacked in the face by an iron after mistaking a random bit of rope for a light switch – which experts noted would have left him with a broken nose at the very least, and probably a very big headache.
Harry and Marv would have been fatally injured (Picture: Rex)
One of the most questionable traps that the pair fell into is when Harry burst through the door of the house, thrilled to finally get inside after having ‘M’ branded onto his hand, only to be met with a blowtorch setting his head on fire.
He buried his head in snow to put the fire out, revealing that his hat had basically been burned to shreds and only tufts of hair survived, before getting straight back into the action – which would have probably gone quite differently in real life.
Giulia continued: ‘It’s incredibly unlikely that the only damage done here would be for Harry’s hat to be ruined.
‘That kind of burn would likely be followed by second, or even third, degree burns that would need some kind of reconstructive surgery, and his his hand is going to need a skin graft or at the very least some scar TLC.’
Home Alone: Injuries the Wet Bandits sustained
Harry getting a crowbar to the chest:
Broken ribs, internal bleeding, possible punctured lung
Harry’s fire hell:
Second or third degree burns requiring reconstructive surgery, a skin graft for his hand
Marv’s iron to the face:
A broken nose
Shot with BB gun:
Ruptures to the testicular area
Falling from the side of the house:
Spinal injuries and potential paralysis, fracture of the legs, sprains and ankle fractures
Falling down the stairs:
Broken bones, dislocated shoulder, fatal head injuries
Potential brain damage after all the other countless injuries
By the end of the film, after they faced off against feathers, baubles and blowtorches, one of the last injuries was inflicted by a shovel to the head as Kevin’s neighbour, Old Man Marley, swooped in to take him to safety.
While that shovel attack would appear to be the least painful of a bad bunch, Giulia predicted that they would be left with brain damage from that bong.
‘This comes at the end of the film, when Marv and Harry have both already sustained countless injuries and their bodies have gone through hell…,’ she said. ‘So really, what’s another shovel to the head?
‘However, after countless other injuries, it would be likely that getting hit with a shovel would be much more severe and cause potential brain damage.’
Dr Gary Bartlett decided to throw a savage truth bomb our way, insisting that Kevin would actually be in prison for his antics – as Harry and Marv would have died.
‘In reality… yes they would be dead or at the very least severely injured,’ he said, adding that they would be ‘left with some crazy life changing injuries.
‘I’m afraid to say, Kevin would still be in prison facing a life sentence for murder.’
Well, that’s something we didn’t see in the sequel…